The pain of Love.

I don't know who came up with, 'If you love something let it go...." I think they should've said, if you love something give it space to grow. Letting the people you love walk right out of your life is an inane concept to me. Desperately clinging to them is unhealthy. But genuinely endeavoring to show them you love them and want them in your life is quite logical. Now if they say that the feelings aren't mutual then you let them leave and learn to love something or someone else.

People have the most complex system of language of all the creatures on earth. We can learn to speak those languages verbally and non verbally that others that are foreign to us speak and interchange between languages if we so desire. However, we have the hardest time communicating our feelings to one another. Not because we don't know the words. We just are reluctant to use the right ones. That makes us too emotionally exposed and vulnerable.
All creatures endeavor to stray from being left vulnerable to pain. But I guess that is a chance we all have to take if we want to be loved. I know we all would like things to end the way the following poem ends, but in some relationships that is not in the cards.

I love you, I let you go

A Poem by Tony Murray

If you love something let it go...

I love you, I let you go
Just like they all told me to do.
I love you, I let you go
And off into the wind you flew.
 

I love you, I let you go
Soar off into those clear blue skies.
I love you, and I let it show
As burning tears leaked slowly from my eyes.
 

I love you, and it hurts to say
That our parting was not sweet sorrow.
I love you, more now than when you left that day
And will love you twice as much tomorrow.
 

I love you, more than words can say
Although if my heart could speak it’d say it best.
I love you so and the pain inside
Has me aching and ripping at my chest.
 

I love you, you are priceless to me
Your love is my sacred jewel.
I love you, I let you go
And I feel ever so much the fool.
 

I love you, from deep inside
And have since the first moment we met.
I love you, and desire only your happiness
I’ll strive for that with my very last breath.
 

I love you, I let you go
A lesson that was so hard learned.
I love you, and I realized why
On the day that you returned.
 

I love you, I let you go
Yet because you loved me too
Although you went away, you are now back to stay
Proving our love is true.
I love you.

Life

So I've been told that I am due for a blog, by several people multiple times. I was trying to get back to the profound and find a topic that is worthy. I've been thinking about life and what it means to me. I have witnessed the past year people enduring things that have been incredibly difficult and many of them have emerged from the scenario triumphant, others have been tossed to the dirt and waved the white flag, while others still struggle. I include myself in this but this isn't about me. This is about people in general.

We only get one life to live people. It makes little sense to me to spend it miserable, unhappy, and angry all the time. If I could I would not feel any of these ever again. I know this is out of my control in some regard but there are situations in which I am allowed to take the reigns and determine my own next move.

In these situations I plan to for the rest of my life as often as I can to find a good outcome. I know it will be hard. I know it will be rough. I know at times I will be provoked to do the wrong thing by ire or impulse but I can't be an angry, miserable individual. I really want to alter the person I am: mind, body, soul. I welcome anyone who is serious about it to come along with me on this journey.

Before I discuss my transformation I would like to discuss some of the things I have witnessed. I must first start with myself. Some might call what I had most recently a 'failed relationship'. I don't look at it that way. I'm sure everyone is thinking that I am crazy, but allow me to explain. Yes we had a bad time of things and we did not see eye to eye on the matters of being together, matters of love, matters of how relationships would be. But we did have good times and all those good moments are valuable. They helped us both (I'm sure I can speak for us both in this regard) to see what it is that we want and recognize that our faults and failures were what we didn't want. We ended heatedly and miserably and we said not nice things to one another. But even while we were saying the not nice things we both knew that they were not serious and that it was out of anger. We are friendly now and we even spent a fun afternoon together recently. So it wasn't a failed relationship because we are more comfortable as friends as know each other better and recognize the genuineness of the care we exhibit toward one another.

Then there is my dear friend. she has had a rough time of things over the past decade-ish. She thought she was broken but I knew better. I knew this was rubbish.  I was blessed to be able to help her see that she wasn't broken just unhealed. She just needed to experience genuine love and kindness. I was happy every time I saw her take another step toward the person that she used to be. Not that we can ever going back to being the same exact person we were in the past but we can become the same type of person with the same character and in this case she went back to being a vibrant, happy soul who is fun loving and jokes all the time and laughs. I am so happy that she laughs. She is comfortable in her own skin again and it pleases me so much. I truly believe there are some people that are meant to be in your life. She is one of those people for me. I am one of those people for her. Its a friendship that is just meant to be.

Some friends of mine recently lost a young loved one due to a horrible choice. I won't elaborate because of the love I have and because elaboration will diminish the memory for me and I choose this to be. I choose to remember him as the person he was every day of his life. I speak on this because I want people to know that we only get one life. Afterlife is not promised. The only thing you can be certain of is the breath you are breathing right now. So for those that you love, tell them you love them, show them you love them, let them love you. Do not push them away, do not run away from them. Do not let petty, insignifcant things like pride, jealousy, envy, frustration, anger, or sadness take you from your family or them from you. When I say family I mean those people that you would lay down your life for, those people whether blood or not that you cannot fathom their absence from your life, do not let them go.

A friend of mine found out recently that the one he gave his heart to decided that she would put it in the trash compactor and turn it on and let their children watch as it was shredded. I do not dream of marriage, but some do. Some believe the vows they speak to another person. I feel that if you were to engage in marriage then believe in it. Don't ruin it. And if you are loved do not harm those who love you. But for my friend. She has done you wrong, she continues to do you wrong. She has no respect, she has broken your trust, she has been treating you unkind. she is not your friend. For those of you who don't know the equation: Love = kindess + trust + respect +friendship. If you lose one of these components then you no longer have love. Argue though you may deep down you all know this to be true.

Lastly I will talk about someone dear to me who has been struggling. She has a little boy that she is working incredibly hard to raise right and he is an amazing little man for this. He sees your effort. You are doing an excellent job. You have a support group to help you. We will catch you if you fall. We all love you very much for the person that you are. You have a whole lot of muchness lady. You are much muchier than words can say.

Now for my transformation:  Body. I plan on actually doing things that are refreshing and bring pleasure and can be engaged in groups and be pure enjoyment. Once the football season is over I plan to buy a bike. anyone who would like to join me I will do a lot of biking. I need exercise in my life. I plan to go hiking and running and do things out in open air away from the television, and the computers, and the cell phones, and the facebooks. I plan to cook meals that are cultural and enriching. I plan to ensure my body becomes something that I can use for fun and enjoyment for years to come.

Mind. I plan to change my outlook on life. I don't want to be a person who dwells on the petty issues of the world. I plan to be a problem solver rather than a problem dweller. I am taking classes so reading is a must but I plan to read more. I plan to condition my mind to be fruitful and not fault finding. I will be thoughtful and considerate of others. Unless they dso me wrong, then I will just cast them away because life is too short to have ugliness in your heart or in your life.

Soul. When I first spoke of this I didn't really know what I meant by changing my soul. My mother has helped me with this a lot. I have for the past 5 years been saddened over the time I no longer have with her. It has consumed me at times and it has saddened me so much. It has done to me exactly what I have said not to do in this blog. Now I will celebrate the memories of her. They all are so loving and caring that I know that I am a fool to not have allowed them to consume me in my time of grief instead of allowing the grief to make me hollow and unwhole. People say they can feel their loved ones with them but they never told me that it was by holding tight to the memories and letting go of the grief. that is the only way that they can get into your heart again and live with you. You have to expunge the grief. I have my family. When they are near I feel so great inside words cannot explain it. I love them all and I am so appreciative that I have each and every one of them. They are all irreplaceable in my eyes and my heart.

So I will celebrate the happy memories of of my mothers life,my family's life, and my life, and the new experiences that come. I will make sure that every moment in my life is as free of ugliness, free of misery, free of anger and full of joy and happiness as I can. I will find the good in things and not be hateful or spiteful. I welcome you to do this as well.

Let's get Dangerous

OK. Folks. In a conversation today with my most recent ex-girlfriend, ( I see some of you rolling your eyes already) I was told that 'I haven't given her a reason to trust me', and that others get the fun me while she gets      
'mean, asshole, doesn't wanna do anything, argue ant' and 'it would be easy to trust you if you didn't make everything seem so shady.' and I am 'as shady as a thunder cloud' (no joke she said that. i thought it was creative I LOL-ed). Then she told me that she 'trusts noone. everyone will let you down. all you gotta remember is carpe diem' (she typo'd but i won't lol). Carpe Diem means seize the day and it is the beginning  of the latin phrase that says 'seize the day putting as little trust as possible in the future.' So when she told me she loved me I am thinking either she lied about that or she doesn't truly believe the whole carpe diem reference or doesn't understand love or carpe diem. But I digress. She also told me that I am not respectful of her, and I should put her on a pedestal not my friends. I honestly think that mates should be on a level field  with no pedestals involved but whatever.

So here comes the danger. If you think you truly know me. The person that I am. Be brutally honest and completely candid. Tell me who the person I am is. Describe me, my character, my strengths, my weakness, my personality, my whatever you choose to describe. And if you agree with or disagree with any or all of my ex's description of me. Then feel free to comment on that too. Now if you comment I will respond and be constructive. So if anyone feels like being an asshole here is your opportunity to do so with impunity. But if anyone thinks that I am a different person that is described above, I welcome your insight to the mix.

Go.
Superman Out. 

How to repair a bridge.

Chest to chest, nose to nose
palm to palm, we were always just that close
wrist to wrist, toe to toe
lips that felt just like the inside of a rose
so how come when I reach out my fingers
it feels like more than distance between us....

Thank you for the opening Miss Rihanna.

How often does this happen. You start a relationship or you meet someone because I hate the R word. People have such a narrowed idea of what relationship means. Regardless, you meet someone and all the similarities come out. You become so close, so well bonded people start to refer to you as inseparable. You do everything together. You don't want to be apart. Its a beautiful kinship. Love develops, love flourishes. You both invest your all. Its what you want to do. You are one another's reason for being. Your every dream, your every desire coincides with theirs. Your wishes are to make their wishes come true. You are happiest making them happy. Life is perfect. And then....

There is always something. Or maybe a handful of somethings. They could be small. They could be incredibly important. To list them all would be fruitless because it is different for each of us. Whatever it is it puts that wedge between you. Eventually the wedge becomes a crack, then a crevice, then a gap, then eventually a ravine.

I love the California King Bed metaphor because the one time that I was in a California King bed I could literally reach out my fingers and not touch the person I was in bed with. Unfortunately, we were not in love, we were ex's on vacation together. Quite an awkward scenario. All she wanted was to be back with me and all I wanted was to be with someone else. So emotionally there was 10,000 miles between us. Don't get me wrong we had a fabulous time but bed time was horrible because there was so much tension and we slept at opposite ends of the love spectrum, and the bed.

Is there a way to remedy this? Can you bridge the gap, or ravine even of two lovers who have grown apart? Is there a break point? Some denomination of time that determines that it is truly over?  I believe that you can. (so many people will read too much into this, but whatever. Its a shame that they would be foolish enough to try and navigate the hell that is my brain waves without Charon.) But you can repair this. Any nonviolent transgression can be overcome. I say nonviolent because I am not a fan of taking back an abuser, or someone who has raped oneself or another person, or committed sometype of murder or manslaughter. I would elaborate but that can be another blog. If there was a moment in time where together you moved mountains and now you fight over what to watch on tv, where to have dinner, or what you think of one another's friends then stop. Do not let these things end what you have. And please, please please do not get caught up in that, 'its just not there anymore' or 'he's not trying so I won't' or 'she is a different person'.

We are never different people. At the core we remain the same. It takes a great deal to change the core of who we are. And we are not the same exact people we are when we meet because we have changed, changed because of the person we are in the relationship with. That is going to happen everytime, never fail. So be honest with yourselves. Recognize the changes that we make. Recognize the liberties we grant to make something new work. Recognize what is wrong with us so we can be really thankful to our others when they are making concessions for us. It doesn't matter if we think it is a huge deal. It could be something huge for that other person. Obviously, if you have been in a relationship with a liar, a cheat, or an awful person then you need to get away and that person may have been tricking you into falling for them. But if you hate that he doesn't put the seat down don't wait until its been 8 months to mention it, because then you are an ass for it. But also ladies, it could be that he is forgetful, or perhaps doesn't see it as inconsiderate because the last person he was with saw it as no big deal. Same goes for if you think its crappy that she always asks you if an outfit looks nice and when you say yes she changes. If you don't complain about it the 1st month, don't complain the 450th time out of the blue.

Oh this is important too. We all know the things that members of the opposite sex will not neccessarily appreciate, but will endure them for us. Let's not play coy or act naive about this. If there comes some point where they just aren't feeling this anymore, don't throw it in their face. Thank them for doing it as long as they did. What? You don't know what I mean? I mean going to football games with you, watching chick flicks, going to your annoying gossiping sister's house every weekend, going shopping for shoes, etc.

Finally, stop trying to be right. This doesn't mean be wrong. What I mean is if you really want to be together you can't argue against one another and keep score of who was right and who was wrong. You are a couple and a couple is a team. One teammate cannot win if the other teammate is losing. So stop trying to be right when there is a disagreement. Who cares if Mark from the job or your sister Nancy or your mom or your buddy Dave the 40 year old bachelor agrees with you. At the end of the day being right doesn't fix a damn thing. I learned this. Stop trying to be right, and instead do right.

If your other in the relationship does something that you think or even know is wrong, if they hurt your feelings and/or make you mad, then be angry, be hurt, be upset. Then take a moment to gather yourself and tie back your emotions and tell them. Let them know that they did wrong to someone they love. Don't throw it in their face. Don't use accusations, use truth. No embellishing. Seriously.  And if they can't see that, walk away. Not from the person, but from the situation. Let yourself have time to calm down and them as well and get to a rational state of mind. We as humans are creative when we are attempting to be hateful and ugly. We can come up with the most despicable things to hurt someone in retaliation. But take a look now so you don't have to fret over it later. That person that you are crushing emotionally is the same person who on any other given day you would rather die before you do harm to. So don't worry about being right in the argument. Acknowledge that you are, if you are, when you are, and then say fuck the problem and find the solution. That is the only way to move forward in life anyway.

This is the best way to preserve something that you feel is worth it.

Superman Out.

 

R.I.P Chivalry you punk ass bitch

Now that I have your attention:

What is Chivalry?

chiv·al·ry

the sum of the ideal qualifications of a knight, including courtesy, generosity, valor, and dexterity in arms.

That doesn't really help. Try this:

The Knight's Code of Chivalry was a moral system that stated all knights should protect others who can not protect themselves, such as widows, children, and elders.

So is chivalry dead because there aren't that many knights left? ummm, nah. Its a code so a code or ideal could perservere inspite of those who practice it falling into obscurity. They could pass it on to another group or they could uphold it themselves despite their numbers.

Lets break it down:

courtesy -  behavior marked by polished manners or respect for others

generosity -a genorous act. genorous - characterized by noble or forebearing spirit 

valor - strength of mind or spirit that enables a person to encounter danger with firmness

dexterity - mental skill or quickness

so women are always crying that chivalry is dead. Courtesy may be a dying tenet. Generosity is being overtaken by greed. But I assert the other two principles are more abundant than in the Medieval times. However if half of the concepts are mortally wounded, then Chivalry is croaked.

Why is chivalry dead? Because the human race is diseased. Its not just men who don't do the right thing in relationships. And I don't mean romantic relationships. I mean human interactions. We as a species are a bunch of ignorant, insensitive, selfish assholes. The majority of us have no recognition of what it means to treat others as we would want to be treated. Scratch that. Despite how you want to be treated yourself, you should still treat other with respect. We don't have it in us to be benevolent. We rather be ugly despicable self serving creatures. Not only that but we expect others to act in that manner as well.

Proof? Ladies, a guy opens a door for you to be courteous, and says good morning/afternoon/evening. If you feel like you are a sexy or good looking person with attributes he might like, tell me that you don't walk in front of him wondering if he is checking you out. Maybe selfconsciously tugging down the back of your shirt to cover your ass. Guys, you are in the same scenario and the girl smiles and says thank you. Tell me you don't look her up and down and wonder immediately if you should talk to her, if she would talk to you, if you could fuck her, what does she look like naked?

More proof? we as a society has become desensitized to homeless people. We see a man begging for change, we veer off, roll up our car windows, wonder what awful shit they did to get in the predicament they are in. Don't try and tell me I'm wrong because if you yourself doesn't think that way you have a dozen friends and family who do. Or a coworker. You know someone, a lot of someone's who have these ideologies about them. But they are in your face and they shame you at times so you give them money. They know this about you, so the ones who are legit down on their luck and the ones who just fucked off on life get in your face. They bank on that sliver of humanity within society and the giant slice of shame in society to make ends meet. I bet there is 3% of the population that wouldn't give up their beer money to their kid to get candy but would split with some of their earnings to keep a bum from talking to them too long.

More proof? Famine, slavery, war, poverty, the distribution of wealth in the world. We are assholes for allowing one child to starve, become infirmed, or die because they live in a portion of the world, or represent a societal demographic that isn't blessed with riches. Meanwhile there are those who would pay $290 for a steak at some fancy named restaurant and eat half and throw the rest in the trash.

What the fuck would it be like in the world if we all put down our guns, and our prejudices, and used the bundle of muscles within our rib cage to drive our minds to see every other indvidual as an equal. Someone worthy of care. Worthy of respect. What if we were all chivalrous to everyone. Because in all honesty you can use every measure of self preservation possible. The cold hard fact is that if you have all the money, and all the food, and all the resources, and own all the land. If you killoff all your enemies, and subjugate all others to your ideologies, your stupid, ignorant, bigotist, greedy ass is still gonna die. And someone will be happy about that.

The most defining moment in life is the moment you die.

Superman Out.

Compromise

This morning I had a very candid conversation with a person who has quickly become special to me. We've known one another for a long time. Sadly for much of that time we had the wrong understanding of who the other person was. No regrets, we live and learn. However, the person I know her to be is a genuine, and honest person. Not perfect by any means at all, we all have our flaws.

Our conversation eventually got around to the idea of compromise and how she had in a past relationship compromised on everything and her partner did not. My first thought upon hearing this was that this is not compromise. This is sacrifice. She was sacrificing the person who she was to be the person that could exist in the relationship. This is a very unhealthy, albeit common practice in relationships in today's society. I am sure it has occurred throughout time but i cannot speak to the nature of things prior to my conception so I will stay in the present.

This made me think about the person that I wish to be in my current relationship. I am a person with the blessing of many many friends. My friends are not an all boys club. I don't discriminate in any measure when I evaluate someone on whether they will be my friend. I have simple criteria. Be a good person, treat me with respect, accept me for who I am. There are no racial, gender, religious, nationality, political affiliation, feature, or age requirements.

Now I have a new lady in my life, she is amazing. I wouldn't trade her for anything. However, she has an issue, albeit a small one, with the number of female friends that I have. I know this is a product of societal ideology and not so much any fear she has that I would in anyway betray or hurt her. The thing is that she feels a discomfort in not knowing which of the women that I call 'friend' have ever been more than friends, or that my heart has belonged to, or that have wanted me as more than a friend.

I have given this strong consideration and I have decided that if she asks me about someone i will give her an answer to any question she asks regarding the women who are my friends. I will do my best to not engage in practices that will give her any wariness, and if ever I have plans to hang out with a woman, she will know about it, and if applicable she can come. Because while I don't believe that you should treat friends of the opposite sex differently, I don't feel that this small gesture to help alleviate her wariness could ever compare to the amount of joy I receive from seeing her smiling face and being in her company. I never want her to sacrifice the woman that she is to be in a relationship with me. That is a person that I care for, a person I appreciate, and a person who someday I will be old and gray, holding hands on a porch swing with.
Superman Out.

The hard things we have to do

So,
I spoke in my three previous blogs about them being throwbacks. These are things that I wrote back in 2007. Life was good for me then. I made the decision to go back to school and finish my degree and stop bullshitting life. I had accomplished that goal and my mother was so very proud of her son. Growing up I was the black sheep, the rebel, the one that rocked the boat in our family. This Saturday May 26th is my mother's birthday. I will buy her flowers.

Lets flashback: It was October 28, 2007. I was at my friend Courtney's house. It was a Sunday. It was my brother's birthday but at the time I didn't remember because I didn't know the date. I was talking to Courtney about the difficulties in my current relationship. I always did that with her it seems. Flash back about 15 hours. My mother came with her friend into the pizza shop where I worked part time on weekends for extra cash. She tried to pay for her food but I never let her. I always paid for her. she was my mom and I love her. As she walked out the door she turned back to me and said "I love you anthony see you tomorrow." to which I said "I love you too mom."

Very important piece of information in my life, very key to my sanity, because theses were the last words that I would ever speak to my mother. Without going into too much detail, mostly because I can't take the tears at this moment, she had an abdominal embolism while I was at Courtney's and she was rushed to the hospital. She was afraid as the paramedics took her out of the house. She rode alone in the ambulance with them because my sister was there but she had the kids. She died on that ambulance ride.

I was called by the hospital to tell me that I needed to come there immediately because she was in very bad condition. They told me to bring my whole family. (They don't convey information about a dead relative over the phone.) That was a nuisance to me. I had to drive to pick up my sister, call my brother at work. Go pick up my other brother, and then drop them off at the hospital. Then I raced down to pick up my other sister. On my way there my brother called to tell me that my mother was dead.

This was unacceptable to me. I floored it to my sisters and picked her and the kids up thinking that if I could go faster then it wouldn't be true. But I knew the truth and couldn't fight it. That day something deep inside me broke. A special part of me was ripped out and extinguished and I felt almost empty for a long time after that. Other than later that night, I didn't cry in front of anyone at all for a very long time. I had to be the strong one. I had to organize my mothers funeral. I was broke. and I was broken. But I had to do this. I wouldn't allow anyone else to and noone else even had the energy too. I exhausted my every resource to get this done. I would cry alone in my room, much like I am crying alone now. There was a passion inside me that was gone with the realization that at the age of 30 I would be without both my parents.

Things weren't right for me for a very very long time. I went through the motions and used fake emotions when I felt it was what I was supposed to do. I felt that there could not be another person who loved my mother as much as I did. Well, that was until a year later when my step father passed away. I learned that after her funeral he went back to his nursing home and signed a DNR. That was his way of letting it be known that he simply had no desire to live without her. But back to the day of her passing.

I went from my biggest concern in the world being trying to make this stupid chick understand that I am a good guy and that things don't have to be complicated, to my whole world was crumbled, incinerated and turned to dust. And to make matters worse it took me until very late that evening to realize that my brother just spent his birthday at his mothers death bed.

So here I am almost 5 years later wondering how I made it 5 mins, let alone 5 years. I find things to fill my heart with love and passion again. It is a struggle for me. Death is not my friend. It has claimed many people from me in the past 5 years. A mother, a step father, a sister, cousins, a step brother, friends, friend's loved ones, the list goes on. I have no fear of death. I hate the sensation that I fight to suppress every day that when I die I won't be reunited with my loved ones. I hate the feeling of anxiety that goodbye is forever. I hate that it threatens to consume me every day. I hate that I have to continually get stronger because the feeling certainly does. I hate that I was not lucky enough to keep my mother around for as long as some others. But I do cherish all the times and the memories. I have grown as a person. I am no longer a child. There is noone around to call me their child. My innocence is gone but I now have something else in its place.

Drive. Drive to make every moment of every day count for something. Drive to show myself that I am more than just my mother's son, or my father's son. Because I know that is what they wanted for me in life, to be a success. And I swear I will never let them down.